I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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