bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
