Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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