Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
