I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
