You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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