OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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