Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
We had sex on a dog bed..
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
