My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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