I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
