So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
