If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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