Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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