Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
