I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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