I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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