can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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