It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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