just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
