dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
We smell like vodka and hangover
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