You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
