How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
