There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
