Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's shark week go big or go home
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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