Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
