I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
