i think my mom watched the whole time
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
