rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
