Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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