dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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