Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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