have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
