It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Randomize
