last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
