I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
