It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize