a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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