my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
