I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
