put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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