i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
