I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
