So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
