I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
