This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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