If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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