Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
