If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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