Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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