hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
