I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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