i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
