Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
