Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
