when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
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