Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
